wall climbing & bouldering

dear emilyn...

what a day!...seriously!...phew!...did something completely out of the ordinary...something unusual for once...well kinda...met up with shanti n irvin...n we went to summit usj to do some wall climbing n bouldering...it's been 4 years since me n shanti did something like this at obs...

sorry we didn't call u but we knew u wouldn't b interested in this kinda stuff...we did call yinn yinn n shangari...but they couldn't make it...so it was just me, irvin n shanti...rather sporting of her though...she being the only girl...but then again...she's into stuff like this...so it wasn't really surprising...

we had a blast though!...after a quick n brief lecture n the safety procedures n all...just to jog back our memories since obs...like tying the figure of 8s...belaying n stuffs...we went to climbing immediately...we (well me n shanti) tried the 5b's n 5b+'s...all of them...seriously tired out...by the time i tried the 5c one...didn't have enough energy in my hands to pull myself up...seriously...there was a sense of helplessness where i just simply couldn't push myself up to the next footing...or even hold on to the footing to rest...so i just had to give it up...but that was almost to the end already...will keep that for another day...coz i'll definitely return

we tried traversing...along the walls horizontally...n bouldering...which was fun...coz u didn't need the uncomfortable harness...n it's n interesting route to climb...tried that like four or five times...coz u didn't need a belayer too...so we all did that...fun!

while climbing...we also rested...sat down...n chatted...caught up on each other...discussed philosophy...which was surprisingly interesting...n definitely something different for a change...a weird day of unusual-ness today...heh...

damn tired now...my hands don't ache though...yet...i'm pretty much sure they're gonna ache like hell tomorrow...they're just numb at the moment...lifeless...can't even lift up anything light...not to mention typing...tiring...but the thought of blogging it makes it bearable...i'm practically resting my wrists heavily on the keyboard...heh...damn...how ar?...i have work tomorrow...

haih...anywayz...i'm not complaining...i truly enjoyed myself for once...it's been a long time since i last had a workout like this one...n i'll truly go back there to work out like maybe once in a week...i have a climbing kaki now...heh...irvin...he's such a fanatic...n a pro at the same time though...so that's it i guess...really wanna rest...tomorrow's gonna b a long day...

cheers
k

lrt, starbucks n mamak

dear emilyn...

the one thing i'll definitely miss about malaysia...when i'm in the uk...will b its outdoor-ishness...let me explain myself...

1. i'll miss kl's outdoor rail transport system...in other words...kl's putra n star lrt s well s the monorail...the heat n dust from the open stations will definitely contrast the cold n dark subways of london...heh...but more than that...somehow or another...there's a difference between rubbing shoulders with malaysians n brits...take it from me...there's a sense of intimacy brushing each other with nothing but thin clothing in this hot n humid country...compared to a sense of detachment when jostling with the brits in their thick clothing...heh...u could get lost in their jungle of fur!...call me crazy but there's a sense of nostalgia with kl's lrt system...sniff*

2. i'll definitely miss outdoor coffee at starbucks...slurping ice blended chocolate on a warm night...under the moon n stars...while watching people pass by...heh...a favourite malaysian pastime...i know they have it there in the uk...but i'll only b doing that during the summer...can't imagine myself...freezing my butt of while slurping n ice blended chocolate in the cold windy winters of the uk...

3. n one thing i'll definitely miss in malaysia...will b its outdoor mamak stalls!...heh...having a variety of roti such s roti canai (roti kosong) or roti telur or roti planta...milo ice which could kill u with diabetes...maggi goreng which could cause a mycardial infarction with the amount of oil used...

but it's not just the food...but the hanging out part with friends after midnight...also under the stars n moon...but the chilling n talking n laughing...the noisy n loud atmosphere itself doesn't really help much at quelling the talking n laughing that'll normally ensue...expecially when a group of old friends get together to reminisce on the good old days...

can't really picture that in the uk...where shops normally close after what?...3 in the afternoon...during winter...later during the summer...6 in the evening?...well definitely no late night suppers...no late night supper means no late night gatherings...no late night gatherings would mean no laughing n talking...anywayz...i can't picture a group of us chilling in the cold british night at some outdoors cafe...we'll probably b too busy trying to warm ourselves up to even speak to each other...heh...maybe during the summer though...

hmm...but definitely going to miss malaysia...how about u?...u've been in aus for what?...3 years now?...how do u find it?...hope to hear from u soon...

cheers
k

literature: religion & imperialism

dear emilyn...

being surrounded all day by books...u get to do a lot of thinking...n what else can u think about...but: books!...heh...

but seriously...one thing i've thought about...n one thing i've come to realize is that...the main reason y a book...especially a work of literature...doesn't seem to capture a person's interest...is because the reader cannot relate to it...there's nothing to which the reader can associate himself with...

take me s n example of a reader...(although i'm rather illiterate...compared to some of my other contemporaries)...let's take two books that i've read s examples...n examine them...

first...i love the life of pi...y?...because religion has always been n idea that i've been in conflict with...it's philosophy has always plagued my mind...it's timeless questions have always haunted my dreams...even till this very day...so much so...that i've conceived my own perception of religion...

n yann martel has so exactly penned down these very same thoughts in her latest bestseller...(which won the 2002 man booker prize)...in addition to that...she also added some of her own opinions...of which i find myself drawn towards...although i do not agree with all of them...but c...there's a sense of connection there...where one soul touches another...this is what art is all about...

but take joseph conrad's heart of darkness...gosh...to me...it's the dullest book ever written by man...y is that?...well probably because i was not alive during the years of western imperialism...because i could not appreciate the ideals of that time...n because of this...it was of no value to me...

but the next thing one should ask is:...who's fault is it?...the writer or the reader?...i mean...think about it...don't they say that art is timeless...s in...the things that writers write about...appeal not just to those who live through their time...but for future generations too...right?...or wrong?...

is it the writers fault then for not conveying the message accurately enough to b able to move others...or to at least cause others to feel how he felt so much so till that he just had to write it down in a book...after all...isn't that what a writer is supposed to b doing?...

hmm...guess there's more thinking to b done obviously...so till nex time...take care n cheers...

k

politics n racism

dear emilyn...

can't write much this time...sorry bout that...friggin tired...jus got back from btn...biro tatanegara...it's a camp for gov scholars furthering their studies overseas...basically to instil patriotism (or so they say)...five whole days of non-stop lectures...eight hours a day...n only five hours of sleep each day...thank goodness for the outdoor activities...or i would've gone mad!...seriously...although only a few hours a day...the repelling n flying fox really helped in keeping my sanity...but overall...ok lar...probably due to the many friends i made there...learnt a lot there really...s well s gained a lot of experiences too...although i might missed out some stuffs here coz of my bad memory...here's what i can recall...

1. i still hate politics...y?...well coz once again...politics has reared its ugly head up again...which makes me wonder if i'll b able to run away from it...true...the camp did instil patriotism...what with learning our history n present situation...but the political agenda was so obvious...aren't gov officers supposed to b neutral regardless of which party is the ruling party?...to serve the people unreservedly?...yeesh...can't believe the gov used this camp to brainwash students...all just to make us support their party n vote for them in the upcoming elections...yeesh...dirty n corrupt...that's what politics truly is about...

2. people can truly b scum...seriously...i mean...how can two hp worth rm 2000 b stolen in a camp filled with gov scholars?...scholars who r supposed to b the creme of the country...future leaders of tomorrow...i mean...people also scrutinize leaders...saying: 'how can he/she have stolen the country's money?...well the answer is: 'look at our scholars today...those who will take over the administrations of the country in the near future'...scum...

3. racism is still present in our country...n i can't believe it's prevalent in the top notches of our country's government...i mean...what the hell is bumiputera n non-bumiputera suppose to mean?...aren't i born in this country too?...don't i love it s much if not more than 'bumis'?...no wonder mahathir was still worried about racial harmony...people just need to get past the malay, chinese n indian thing...n then everything will truly b s they should b...haih...there's so much this country still needs to learn...n that's what i'm gonna do when i come back...

anywayz..that's all i can remember for now...kinda random huh?...yeah well...just extracted them from my mind...for record's sake...anywayz...gtg...starting work tomorrow...to pay off the expenses i spent on my travels n the new mp3 player i bought...need to catch up on my much needed rest...or i'll b dozing off during work tmr...so take care n God bless...

ooh...malaysian idol's on...mmm...think i'll watch that...before catching up on my sleep...

later
k

malaysian tour review

dear emilyn...

this is already going to b quite a long post...check that...a very long post...so i'll cut it short...sorry for the delay though...

kelantan
1 june
arrived at kota bharu...azam n i...went around town with naim...chilled at kb mall in the afternoon...bummed at billion at night...bought loads of dvds...had a mini horror fest that night...watched shutter (damn scary) n the others (friggin good movie)...

2 june
went to lata tembakah...(which is really at besut, terengganu actually)...together with another two of naim's friends...first time bathing at a natural waterfall...water was friggin cold...flowing damn fast...clean n clear too...was very cool!...had tonnes of fun!...most enjoyable!...

3 june
went to pengkalan kubor...tax-free area...lots of shops selling a myriad of things at cheap prices...clothes n accessories n stuffs...didn't buy anything though...was saving money for the rest of my malaysian tour...left kb that night...all three of us...for alor star...

kedah
4 june
arrived at alor star...headed straight for adlan's kampung in baling...attended his cousin's wedding ceremony...my first traditional malay wedding...helped out with distributing the food...gotong-royong style...a very interesting insight into their way of life...second time i ate with my hands on this trip...

that night went to ulu legong hot spring...water was seriously friggin hot...hmm...about 40 to 50 degrees celsius...but only a matter of getting used to...even so...the whole place was steaming...if not for the crowd of people even at one in the morning...it would've been spooky...didn't know malaysia had such a place...

5 june
went bathing at lata bayu...heh...second time bathing in a natural waterfall...n on this very same trip too...we headed right to the very top...where there were no people n the water was cold, fast n clear...smashing really!...had a truly enjoyable time with the guys...after that...headed back to alor star...

that night...went bowling at city plaza...which i totally suck at...majorly...compared to naim n adlan...who were obviously the pros...s well s azam too...who was so obviously hiding his real talent...heh...but was fun though...

6 june
took it easy already...friggin tired after all that travelling...so we hung out at star parade...same old...heh...bought dvds n some cds...seems that piracy runs rampant at the northern n eastern states...so basically went shopping...managed to lay my hands on butterfly effect...damn friggin good movie!...seriously!...

7 june
went to the alor star tower...not that tall...but quite impressive...obviously couldn't hold a candle to the kl tower...but it's still n achievement for such a state up north...far from the capitol...

8 june
went to star parade again...this time just to surf at their cc...heh...had lived without the internet for a week...just couldn't stand it anymore...yeesh...starting to wonder about my reliance n dependency on the internet...heh...

anywayz...after that...went shopping for more cds n dvds again...heh...well since it was provided with the utmost abundance there...so y not?...

that night...took the bus back to kl...three of us...naim, azam n i...

kuala lumpur
9 june
arrived in kl at pudu...mum brought us home first...prayers, breakfast n a short rest...before we went to times square area...met up with yuyul n her lil bro n hafyz...went walking around low yat first...

later...went to sungei wang...shopping again...n lunch...hafyz n yuyul n her lil bro n naim went bowling...while azam n i hunted down for my mp3 player at low yat...bought creative's muvo slimit at 480...which seriously rocks!...the cheapest price i could get after hunting all over low yat...the highest price i could find was about 600...yeesh...what a rip off i u ask me...thanx to chewman for his info n azam for patiently hunting with me...heh

after that...went to times square...walked around...had a look at the indoor amusement park...before watching imax's back to the crustaceaous...seriously friggin cool!...the 3d graphics seriously made it look damn real...was wondering how shutter would've been on imax...scary!...heh...

headed home after that...received news that mara was to have their btn on 13 this month too...so decided to cancel much of our plans...which included headin down to malacca...naim n azam wanted to head home n prepare for their btn the next day...

10 june
since their bus was scheduled at night...went around central market in the afternoon...wanted to buy some stuffs...but funds were short...so decided to postpone that...the pendant n dreamcatcher looked so tempting...hmm...maybe next time...heh...

headed to klcc next...to enquire bout part timing there...at petrosains or maxis...but seriously speaking...it's too far from where i live...prefer working at times in bsc...anywayz...will keep petrosains open...had lunch before heading back home...

sent naim to putra bus station to catch his bus back to kb at night...n dropped azam there too to catch the ktm to his aunt's place...in kepong...since he couldn't get a bux ticket home...

frankly speaking...there's nothing much u can do in kl...unless u have the money...haih...come to think of it...it's pretty boring to b a townie...heh...no adventure at all!...

that's it...although had two days of rest already...just bumming around the house...no time to learn how to upload photos onto blogger...so i'll do it later...won't b hearing from me for a week at least coz i have btn to attent...mon to fri...so i'll chat with u later k?...till then...take care n god bless

k

kt: day three

dear emilyn...

it's finally my last day here in kt...heh...didn't do much at all...pretty much slept the whole day through...laziness finally caught up with us...heh...so yeah that's basically it really...woke up late...watched tv...bathed n had breakfast...watched more tv...slept again...had lunch...watched even more tv...slept again...heh...it's a wonder how cherap can stay so thin with his current holiday lifestyle n the amount that he eats...breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner n supper...heh

anywayz...had to do something before i wasted my last day here...so at about 5.oo pm in the evening...woke asyraf up...had tea...picked up azam n shue...n went down to the beach near shue's house...scenery was spectacular n refreshing...especially for a typical townie such s myself...we took some really great photos...priceless...heh...

at about 7.00 pm...sent shue home...stopped by for cherap n azam to perform their maghrib prayers at the surau in front of her house...while i waited by the car...guess i looked like some up-to-no-good chinese gangster slouching around the area after being high on drugs or something...received a few stares from the people around...heh...thank goodness shue invited me into her house...away from their accusing stares...i wonder if it's because i'm a chinese...yeesh no wonder the government's still worried about national unity...

anywayz...after their prayers...cherap n azam joined me...they got a very warm welcome from shue's siblings n cousins...heh...enjoyed ourselves there...but we didn't really stayed long as we wanted to have our dinner outside...so we left shortly after finishing our drinks...heh...went to a roadside restaurant n had dinner...talked among ourselves...just the three of us...reminiscing on our 2 years in mcb...our choral speaking english presentation...heh...n our tok presentation...heh...never will i ever forget those moments...heh...nice...

anywayz...that's it for now...currently at azam's place...crashing here before the both of us catch the 8.30 am bus tomorrow morning to kb...where we'll meet up with naim...who'll b our guide around kb...woo hoo!...can't wait...till next time then...take care

k

ps...i'm not too sure if naim has internet connection in kb...so if u don't hear from me for some time...it's probably because i don't have the means to write u...so far...cherap n azam has streamyx...even in alor i'm not too sure if adlan has streamyx...but don't worry...i'll write u s soon s i have the opportunity...cheers

kt: day two

dear emilyn...

continuing my nationwide malaysian tour with my second day at kt...cherap, azam n i went into town itself...situated at the terengganu river estuary...typical coastal town bordering the sea n lining the river...with fishing as its main source of economy...

so we rented a boat n went upstream...which was very cool...coz it seemed like a time travel to me...from the hustle n bustle of modern kt...to the slumbering fishing villages along the river...to the virgin jungles upriver...caught a glimpse of what the olden days must've been for the terengganese...children bathing in the river while adults mend their boats...

we went all the way up to the state muzium...reputedly the largest muzium in southeast asia...its old architecture made it seem like n ancient ruin rising above the threatening jungle...lonely n foreboding...cool!...like something out of conrad's heart of darkness...

so anywayz...spent n hour on the river...half upstream n half downstream...with the sun tanning my skin...wind styling my hair...water spraying my face...friends talking n laughing together...truly n enjoyable moment...

so after that...we walked around town...revisiting the places that cherap n azam used to visit...heh...they introduced me to the various specialized sections of kt...heh...which was rather weird to me...having a whole row of digital shops here...a whole row of shoe shops there...n a whole row of barbers there...heh...really weird compared to the commercial styles of kl in its expansive shopping complexes such s midvalley n klcc...

but i think the funniest thing was the fact that cherap n azam seemed like foreigners to me too...although this was their birthplace...coz they themselves did not notice the changes in kt...like which buildings were gone n which buildings were newly built...which shops were there n which weren't...heh...

i'll never forget the time when azam wanted to buy some dvds from this shop...only to realize that the shop was gone...heh...the sheer surprise in his voice n face: priceless...heh...but i can understand them...seeing as they've been studying in boarding schools since secondary school...n only to return home once or twice every year...n even then...to stay at home n pay back their sleep debt...heh...what'll happen when they leave kt only to return after 3 years?...heh...only time will tell...

so that's about it...actually come to think of it...we didn't really do much today...just around town really...but it was really fun n cool...anywayz...till tomorrow then...for day three...but don't expect much coz i think i'll b taking it easy too...

k

kt: day one

dear emilyn...

as planned...cherap n i left for kt from the putra bus station...bus was 40 minutes late...so departed at 11.40 pm...typical malaysian punctuality...anywayz...thank God for my windbreaker...bus' sub-zero temperature would've frozen me to death...but couldn't sleep anywayz...friggin bus driver probably thought he was n f1 friver...driving at a reckless speed on roads that were being repaired n corneering without brakes...so there i was...drifting in n out of sleep...worrying bout my life...heh...

anywayz...arrived safely in kt the next morning at about 7.15 am...cherap's dad took us home...nice place...a fusion of a modern brickhouse n a traditional wooden house fashioned like a typical malay kampung house...fascinating!...spooky: his house is situated in front of a graveyard...anywyaz...had some breakfast...kt style...cheap but portions r friggin small...so u end up spending the same amount for two or three portions to satisfy the same diet requirement...anywayz, finally got some good quality shut-eye till bout noon...

later...went to a kenduri kahwin with cherap's family...thank God i learnt how to eat with my hands in college or i'd have made a fool out of myself since no forks or spoons were provided...obviously, they weren't expecting a chinese guy for lunch...heh...only problem was my long nails...not that they were dirty but it made eating quite hard...realized it too late...gonna cut them off after writing this...

in the evening...picked up azam, shue n her lil sis from their houses with cherap's car...got lost at shue's...heh...who'd have thought she lived in such n isolated place on the far outskirts of town...heh...we were all asking her if she had electricity n phone access there...heh...poor girl to get stuck with us teasers...anywayz...went to this beach carnival at pantai batu burok...basically like a pasar malam by the beach...lots of stalls selling stuffs such as food, clothes n all...had n interesting dinner of aiskrim goreng...heh...a paradoxical name, don't u think...unbelievable but not impossible...later took a stroll on the beach...sound of waves n touch of wind...sand under feat n stars above head...company of best friends at the eastern coast on a moonlit night...what more could u have asked for?...it is times like these that i just thank God for the simple things in life that we can take pleasure of...

about 10.30 pm...sent shue home...half excited n half afraid...driving down a long, dark n desolate road...no incident though...not sure if i should b thankful or disappointed...didn't go into shue's house...was late n we didn't want her folks to start having any pre-conceived thoughts...anywayz...sent azam back next...stopped by his house...pretty much the same like cherap's but much more modern...didn't c much of the insides though...jus the living room as his parents served us some late supper of cake n coffee... before cherap n i headed home

that's about it actually...there's so much more that i could write...but it would probably bore u to death...what with my thoughts, opinions, emotions n all...so i guess i'll just stop here...wait for day two...heh

k

holiday plan

dear emilyn...

planning to travel around malaysia...so here's the tentative plan for my hols (at least for the first week...the rest'll b decided shortly after):

kuala lumpur
28 may - leave kl
leavin with cherap

kuala terengganu
29 may - reach kt
29-31 may - kt
1 june - leave kt
goin with cherap...stayin with him...hanging out with him, azam n mushu (shue)...lol...leavin with azam

kota bharu
1 june - reach kb
1-2 june - kb
3 june - leave kb
goin with azam...stayin with naim...chillin with the both of them...leavin alone

alor setar
3 june - reach alor
3-6 june - alor
7 june - leave alor
goin alone...stayin with adlan...leavin alone

m still planning whether to drop by penang or perak along the way home...but prob is i dun have anyone to stay with...or take me out...so tht'll b on the spur of the moment i guess...

planning to conquer mt kinabalu...somewhere in the middle of june...after my btn...so i'll update u s i go along lar...lol...take care n God bless

k

the only constant is change

hey emilyn...

sorry for not replyin your e-mail till now...was caught up ever since i came back from the uk...completing my last minute assignments (consequences of procrastination)...but it's all over now...assignment-wise...thank God!...freedom never tasted so sweet!...now taking some time off...enjoying a bit...relaxing...chilling...

anyway...i had a hunch it was your last day in hk that day...superb place huh?...was considering of staying there n studying there for a few years...lol...

uk was ok...smashing place...old n yet new at the same time...it's really THE place i would love to spend my studying life...after all, i have reasons to believe that i'm a british spirit trapped in a malaysian body...for one, i think malaysia's too hot a country to live in...n secondly, i'm passionate for the arts (eg dance) in such a magnitude considered to b unusual for a malaysian...

moving on...people say that the only constant is change...well guess it's true...when i went back to my old school in horsham (not many people know that i studied for a year in the uk...u didn't think i suddenly appeared at skbd in std 4 out of thin air did u?)...

anyways, wanted to have a look around n hopefully meet up with my teachers n classmates...sadly...they weren't there...teachers had left...friends had moved house...things have changed n the truth is...u can't stop it...n u can't turn back...no matter what happens...time only flows in one direction...

but even if i could turn back time n change things...i wouldn't have changed anything...the experiences n memories i have of my time then r made even more priceless n valuable by the fact that i'll never b able to go through it again...

ok ok...i'm starting to become mushy...so i'd better sign off now till i make an utter fool of myself in front of u...till next time...take care n God bless!

k

ps what did u mean when u said '...all the best for your interview!! i m sure u ll get in. so i ll say congrats now.'??? lol...i'm not THAT perfect!

sent
19 february 2005
3:29 pm

i'll search for u (part II)

i promised to search for u...i did...n i found u...i met u...in my dreams...again...

y didn't u tell me your name?...y did u sacrifice yourself for someone else whom u barely even know?...y did i cry for u?...n y did u leave me when i woke in the morning?...

y r u the person i've always dreamt of n so much more?...y r u so perfect?...y r u so compatible with me?...y r u so friendly with me?...do u know me?...

y did u appear in my dream at the first time?...y did u appear in my dream the second time?....will i meet u here?...in this real world?...since i've dreamt of u twice?...ppl say that when u dream a dream more than once...it's bound to come true...

i can't even remember how u look...please don't leave me...let me search for u again...n let me find u again...there's so much i want to know of u...so much to ask of u...but most of all...let me spend time with u...even if it's in a dream...

sad vs happy

a friend of mine asked me...how come most of my entries express negative emotions?...how come i've never wrote about a positive experience?...is it because i've never had one?...

hmm...good question...worthy of putting my thinking cap on...n getting those rusty gears in my brain rolling...well i've taken a look at my blog...n inspected past entries...n i have to say...that i agree wholeheartedly...n after much thought...i've formulated two explanations...voila:

numero uno...y do we all keep a blog?...well i don't know about u...but i blog to materialize my thoughts...channel my feelings...n express my emotions...now let's say if i'm happy...well i'd express it there n then...wouldn't i?...but let's say i'm sad or angry...could i express it there n then?...i don't think so...

so basically...this has something to do with propriety n decorum...social acceptance...people don't really like to b near u when u're sad or angry...but they'll flock to u when u're high n happy...so if u want to b accepted by people around u...then u'd better watch that temper...but u can't just let it all bottle up inside u...so what r u going to do?...blog, of course...anyway, aren't we suppose to channel our negative emotions positively?

however...i think that this second hypothesis is the right one...now i believe that a person feels more down than up...no, not in terms of quantity...but quality...in other words...negative emotions affect people much greater than positive emotions...sadness vs happiness...anger vs forgiveness...despair vs hope...the former always tend to move us in much greater ways than the latter...now don't go telling me that man wouldn't have landed on the moon if not for love...coz troy was burned not because of love but because of jealousy n lust...(n i can present many more arguments on this...trust me)

don't get me wrong...i'm not saying that we're not affected by positive feelings...it's just that...it takes a greater magnitude of positive feelings to move us at a specified degree compared to negative emotions...n referring back to number one...if u want to b accepted by society...yadda yadda yadda...blah blah blah...etc etc etc...

n that is y most of my entries...if not all...r based on negative experiences...not because i don't go through positive ones...but because i seldom encounter a positive experience great or powerful enough to move me to blog about it...compared to the many tiny insignificant negative encounters...i mean think about it...would someone blog about finding their soulmates...or about their breakups?...obviously their breakups...who's waste time blogging about finding their lover rather than spending precious time with them huh?

so here's hoping...that in the future...near future preferably...i'll encounter a really strong positive experience that'll so move me to blog about it...that i'll break the record length of my blog entries so far...wish me luck!

i'm no doctor material

ever since i started considering medicine as a career...it has always been my dream to work under relief aids...or any humanitarian organizations...such as the united nations or red cross...

i love to travel...n working under these organizations will present me with that opportunity...to serve in war-torn countries...or disaster-strucked countries...

besides that...it also provides me with the constant adrenaline rush that i feed on...since i'll b putting my life on the line...wrestle with danger...n stare death in the eye...24/7 while on duty...

but upon watching the two movies...beyond borders (starring angelina jolie)...n out of the ashes (starring christine lahti)...n i finally realized...that doctors do get killed...especially in war-torn countries...

n that got me thinking...what if i had to choose between the life of my patient n that of my own?...would i sacrifice my own life to save my patient?...n if i were caught between a life-n-death situation...would i forsake the hippocratic oath in order to save my own skin?...

i could easily say now that i'll certainly place the lives n safety of my patients first before mine...but when it comes to the crunch...will i not end up as a mere hypocrite (knowing how much i dislike that)...will i not place a greater importance on my own survival in the end?...

but i can't also b to sure of that...i might change in the future...in medical school...my thoughts n actions...n i might lay down my life to save that of my patients...(no i'm not trying to b heroic)...but the thing is...i can't deny this possibility from happening...

so instead of deciding now...let's just say that i can't c into the future...n it's this aspect of the future that frightens me...(i'm only human anyway)...not knowing whether i'll make a good doctor...n serve humanity...

all i can do now...is hope n pray...that i'll never have to encounter such a decision that i must make...as christine would put it...a "choiceless choice"...but if God wills it to b...that i do encounter such a choice...then i pray that when that time comes...i'll b able to make the right decision...do the right thing...not only as a doctor...but also as one of mankind...n as a child of God

discrimination makes us human?!

looking back on some of my recent posts...i've come to realize that they were nothing but empty vessels making a lot of noise...superficial n insignificant...so for a change...here's some food for thought:

i'm a hypocrite...n that's saying something...since i don't like hypocrites...i don't like to b one...n i don't like to b called one...in my entry entitled 'same in being different'...i enthusiastically condemned any act of discrimination...

however...i came to realize that...discrimination defines our civilization...discrimination makes us human...shocking huh?...y do i say so?...or what brought me to make that conclusion?...

well...i was just thinking...what's the difference between a vegetarian n me?...our preference of food of course...hence i advocated...don't discriminate!...but then i thought...what's the difference between a cannibal n me?...surely food preference too...i mean hey!...just substitute chicken drumstick with human thigh right?...no discrimination there...

what?!...m i mad?!...human thigh?!...ugh!...no matter how i look at it...i can't help thinking that when i do encouter a cannibal on the streets...i'll quickly cross the road to the opposite side...n that's y i call myself a hypocrite...loathe though i may b to do so...

but which human in their right mind would allow cannibals to roam the streets of our towns n cities?...while children play in their front gardens...while couples take a stroll in the park...while the elderly enjoy their evening walk around the neighbourhood...

so doesn't discrimination is this case define us as a civilized human?...doesn't it put a line n say this is allowed n that isn't...but then again...wasn't homosexuality a big no-no back in those days...n if it is slowly gaining acceptance in today's modern society...could it happen to cannibalism?...

so how?...can anyone help me solve this enigma?...

i'll search for u...

this entry serves as a memorial...in honour of the courageous, selfless and dashing guy i met...in the best nightmare of my life so far...

they say tht when u dream a dream twice...it comes true...well...this nightmare in particular has been recurring very frequently...even if it doens't come true...i hope i'll dream it again...maybe then...i might b able to change the course of things... :

after having passed our navigation tests...my team mates n i were ordered to destroy n enemy's base...n ancient ruinous structure the size of the Great Pyramid of Giza...n the shape of n Aztec sacrificial temple...

we landed upon the roof...in the cover of darkness...n infiltrated the structure from the roof...to the topmost level...

after having disarmed the heavy artillery embedded in the walls...n taken on the stone guardians hidden in deep recesses of the walls...did i realize tht i had lost my team mates...where had they gone?...what had become of them?...yet...i had to stay true to my mission...my sense of loyalty would not allow me to even mourn for them...let alone seek n avenge them...

remembering my mission...i dislodged the wooden beams tht astonishingly supported the massive stone roof with my own bare hands...upon displacing the last beam...the roof rumbled n began to slowly collapse in on itself...onyl then did i finally realize my own peril n folly...

i searched for a way down to the lower levels below along the ledges of the surrounding walls...before i found it...n opening on to the ledge below it...

tht was when i met u...both of us in the same predicament...but u were s cool s can b...u told me to follow u...n we jumped onto the ledge below...

s we ran along the ledge...u told me tht there was no other way to the ledges below...the only way down was a sort of mechanical contraption...suspended in the center of the structure...u said tht it would lead us to the bottom...n i said...lead on...

we activated the machinery together at each level...bringing us a level down at a time...i thought tht we would reach the bottom in time...safe...but i was wrong...

after only dropping three levels...we fell into a steel cage...we could c the rough sea directly below us...a long way down...this was it...the final test...

we activated the contraption in unison...silently...not uttering a single sound or word to each other...we did it...n a trapdoor in the middle of the cage floor...dropped open into the black void ...to a sheer drop into the sea below...

u did the math...but kept silent...i looked into your eyes...n saw only death...u told me tht the drop might kill us...u weren't sure...but there was a possibility...the height was too great...

we hesitated...but when the structure graoned heavily...i decided to do something...i told u to hold on to my feet while i held on to the metal bars of the trapdoor...dangling above the surface of the sea...in order to reduce the distance of the fall by at least a body length for him...

the height made my head spin...i felt my strength drain away from my hands...before finally letting go of the metal bars...as we fell...i had a premonition...the horror...a scream...before...

i woke up to a gloomy n dark morning...

i do not know your name...or whence u came from...or how u ended up there...or y...but i'll definitely search for u again...in my nightmares...in the hopes tht we might meet again...n i'll finally change the way things turned out...to how it's supposed to b...

same in being different

warning!* if u feel offended by the issue of discrimination...pls do not read any further...due to my lack of vocabulary...i could not find any politically correct words to describe the differences in humans...for my cause...i would like to state that i condemn any form of discrimination...n i mean any form...i believe that the differences in humans should never be distinguished by words such as blacks, homosexuals or vegetarians...but in order to convey my message effectively...i had no other choice...therefore...begging your pardon...n asking for your forgiveness...voila:

i've just downloaded and watched madonna's 'american pie' music video...(yeah yeah...i noe...i'm a big fan of madonna)...the music video basically features madonna with her usual antics in front of a large american flag backdrop...and short clips of american citizens in front of american flags flashing in n out at intervals...

but what got me thinking...was the fact that...there's really not much difference between americans n malaysians...just like us...they too have a diverse race of people...instead of malays, chinese, indians and kadazans...they have blacks n whites...blue and white collar labourers...hippies and punks...beauty queens n nerds...armed personnel n immigrants...as well as...jocks n cheeleaders...

i'm not saying that these types of people r not found among malaysians...it's just that...we malaysians pride ourselves on the fact that we're the only multi-racial country...consisting of three major races...the malays, chinese and indians...as well as the natives...that's peaceful n united...we brag that our country achieved independence without blood shed through the unity of the three main races...each sacrificing some of their rights n compromising others for the sake of their country's independence...

but what we fail to realize is the fact that...other countries too...experience a multitude of human differences...skin colour...religion...sexual preference...food preference etc etc...each group being discriminated against by another...each group trying to protect and claim their rights for equality...

so basically...there's nothing different between all of us...there's no need to differentiate between homosexuals n heterosexuals...just like there's no need to distinguish between pale skinned people and dark skined people...and even orange skinned people for that matter...

we're all united in our differences!

people r so fucking screwed up!!!

many times before...have i asked myself...would it be better to act at the centre of the stage in the spotlight...or hide behind the curtains amidst the shadows?

to shine in the spotlight would give me the opportunity to make a difference in this world...make it a better place...to speak out for what i strongly believe in...to protect everything which i think is right...to revel in the spotlight would provide me the chance to to something for humanity...to aid their cause...n finally, inspire others to do the same...

but to stay in the spotlight would also attract the attention of other people...n with them...a barrage of human characteristics...jealousy...hypocrites...opportunists...back stabbers...n some will have high expectations...to do great things...to succeed...

but to slink amidst the shadows would release me of these high expectations...allowing me to live a simple yet fulfilling life...living only for myself...n not for others...taking each day one step at a time...n experiencing my life to its fullest...

but to skunk in the darkness would also mean sacrificing everything that i uphold...my principles...it would mean not having to speak out against everything that i though is wrong...n allow the world to do as it liked...suffering...death...

yesterday's recent spate of events left me shattered...my principles have been jeopardized...n all because of staying in the spotlight...had i not done so...things would have turned out differently...i would not be feeling so bad right now...i would not hate myself right now or my conscience...n i would not hate everyone in this fucked up world for being so screwed up...

so now...i'm going to change...i shall no longer be at the center of attraction...but i shall fade into obscurity...let the everyone have high expectations of another...let that person live with the high expectations placed on him...n sacrifice his own principles...but give me back my simple life...with my principles that i hold on to firmly...although i condemn myself to oblivion.

people...we're all related

u know what?...everytime i look at people...either my relatives, friends or anyone for that matter...i keep seeing other people in them...don't get it?...well, let me put it this way...everytime i look at someone...he or she will remind me of another person that i know of...it's either the face, speech, behaviour or the person itself...

let's take a few examples...ok let's start with my classmates...first, azam looks (malay) like b (chinese)...(don't worry, i'm not a racist...i'll explain the race later)...they both share that blur look...that half-asleep look...n they're both nocturnal in nature...second, goh looks n acts like heng liang...both look similar on the outside as well as the inside...they both have that studious look n r both extremely brilliant...there's more n in every case...the similarities are uncanny...i won't list all of them however, coz it'll b boring...

but that's beside the point...the thing that interests me is this:...if different ppl...with different races (told u i'd explain it), different families or even different locations (e.g. states, countries, continents)...could look n behave alike...or at least have even the tiniest littlest smallest similarity...this would mean that we're all related one way or another...no matter how distant...in other words...we could say that we r descended from the same parents...the first man n woman...namely Adam n Eve...cool huh?...

p.s. i don't think that evolution could b used to explain this phenomenon...coz then we'd have ppl who have gills or scales or wings for that matter...anywayz...i don't believe in evolution...lol...so there...

"You come of the Lord Adam and the Lady Eve and that's proud enough to lift the head of the lowest beggar and yet, humble enough to bow the head of the highest king."

- Aslan -
- Prince Caspian -
- The Chronicles of Narnia -
- C. S. Lewis-

olympic flame

the swimming events for the olympics r over...it's the talk of the town...they're either talking about it or blogging about it...so here's my two cents worth of what i think...

watching swimmers participate in the olympics has brought back bitter sweet memories of the times when i myself was training as a competitive swimmer...there's so much that i miss about it...

i miss the tough training sessions that i had to go undergo every single day...i miss facing n challenging the obstacles in my path as i prepared for competitions...i miss exerting my body and mind to the limits...i miss pushing myself to see how far i could go or how long i could last...i miss the physical torment n the mental anguish that i experienced...i miss the cramps...the scoldings...the punishments...n i also miss the exhausting yet satisfactory feeling when i've my best and achieved my times...

i miss the pre-competition thrill n excitement...i miss the sleepless night just before the day of the competition...when i drown myself in my thoughts...when i think of my strokes and my entire training programme...when i tell myself how much i want to win, how hard i've trained n prepare myself mentally...

i miss competing in competitions itself...i miss the goosebumps that appear on my skin at the very thought of it...the way my heart beats erratically when i stretch myself just before a race...the way my blood pounds deafeningly through my ears as i take my place on the starting block...i miss the split-second pause when i take a deep breath just before the gun goes off...n the anxiety of the outcome of a 1500m race...

n when i swim...i miss the way it feels when the water flows smoothly over my body...the way i glide effortlessly through the water as if we were one...the water n i...

i miss the near-death-experience after touching the wall n finishing a race...i miss the stitches, the close-faints n the fatigue...the very desire of not doin anything...not moving...not breathing...not thinking...just giving up on life n dying at that exact spot...

but i also miss going up to the podium to receive my medal...n knowing that it was all worth it...the training...the hardwork...n the effort...

but most of all...i miss my swimmates...i miss spending time with them...whether it's when we complain together to the coach about how inhumane the programme is during training...or when we compete amongst ourselves in the spirit of good sportsmanship...shaking hands or hugging each other after a race...or when we just hang out at shopping complexes n chill after competitions...go for a movie...eat together...talk...laugh...fool around...

there's so just so much about competitive swimming that i can't even write all of it down here in my blog...the relay...the warm downs...the so much more...

i truly envy professional swimmers...for the very experiences that they go through...an entirely different...there was never any regrets in taking up competitive swimming...n i do sometimes regret giving it all up for the sake of my studies...but i guess...giving it up has made it all the more precious...i now treasure these memories with me...n i know that they'll never leave me...even after death taketh me...

look deep into my eyes...

those of you who are close friends of mine will notice that i like to study people...not so much their physical attributes...but what lies deep beneath their skin...their character...the very essence of their soul...

i like to see the way people react to their surroundings...how they react to the things around them...and why they act the way they do...

i like to see how they carry themselves around...how they interact and speak with other people...and most of all...how they think...

it's fascinating how the mind works...and there's no two people who think alike...imagine the infinite diversity of mankind!...

but there's one thing i've noticed just this afternoon...it is my believe...or hypothesis...or conjecture...or whatever...that a person's character...or confidence to be more exact...is portrayed in his or her stare...

this can be seen clearly when you stare straight into someone's eyes...until whichever party looks away...unable to bear the intense heat of the conflict...

it is in this respect that people differ...some can hold on to your stare for ages until you yourself can't bear the tension...but some turn away almost immediately after you look into their eyes...as if afraid of revealing what lies deep within themselves...

the way i logically deduce it is like this...people who can hold on to your stare, amplify it to greater magnitudes and return it have very high self-esteem...they boldly speak what's on their minds...and they stand up for what they believe in...they fear nothing in this world...nothing!...not even conflict...and they carry themselves properly with firm confident steps and eyes staring straight ahead to their future

but people who can't hold on to your stare have very low confidence levels...they speak timidly and are easily influenced by other people around them...they do not carry themselves well...always staring at the ground...or avoiding anyone else' stare...what are they afraid off?...what is it that they wish to hide from the world?...

but of course...many people will argue that it is rude to stare at a person and thus, polite people will naturally avoid my stare...thus, not because of low confidence...yeah...well...sad to say i don't really now how to answer back...

but the main question is...isn't the human character spellbinding?...there are so many things that we don't understand about it...and it makes me even more sure of a greater power in this world every time i make a new discovery...to think that we all come of the same two parents...Adam and Eve...but yet...our thoughts do not run parallel but in all directions...among the varied walks of life!