sad vs happy

a friend of mine asked me...how come most of my entries express negative emotions?...how come i've never wrote about a positive experience?...is it because i've never had one?...

hmm...good question...worthy of putting my thinking cap on...n getting those rusty gears in my brain rolling...well i've taken a look at my blog...n inspected past entries...n i have to say...that i agree wholeheartedly...n after much thought...i've formulated two explanations...voila:

numero uno...y do we all keep a blog?...well i don't know about u...but i blog to materialize my thoughts...channel my feelings...n express my emotions...now let's say if i'm happy...well i'd express it there n then...wouldn't i?...but let's say i'm sad or angry...could i express it there n then?...i don't think so...

so basically...this has something to do with propriety n decorum...social acceptance...people don't really like to b near u when u're sad or angry...but they'll flock to u when u're high n happy...so if u want to b accepted by people around u...then u'd better watch that temper...but u can't just let it all bottle up inside u...so what r u going to do?...blog, of course...anyway, aren't we suppose to channel our negative emotions positively?

however...i think that this second hypothesis is the right one...now i believe that a person feels more down than up...no, not in terms of quantity...but quality...in other words...negative emotions affect people much greater than positive emotions...sadness vs happiness...anger vs forgiveness...despair vs hope...the former always tend to move us in much greater ways than the latter...now don't go telling me that man wouldn't have landed on the moon if not for love...coz troy was burned not because of love but because of jealousy n lust...(n i can present many more arguments on this...trust me)

don't get me wrong...i'm not saying that we're not affected by positive feelings...it's just that...it takes a greater magnitude of positive feelings to move us at a specified degree compared to negative emotions...n referring back to number one...if u want to b accepted by society...yadda yadda yadda...blah blah blah...etc etc etc...

n that is y most of my entries...if not all...r based on negative experiences...not because i don't go through positive ones...but because i seldom encounter a positive experience great or powerful enough to move me to blog about it...compared to the many tiny insignificant negative encounters...i mean think about it...would someone blog about finding their soulmates...or about their breakups?...obviously their breakups...who's waste time blogging about finding their lover rather than spending precious time with them huh?

so here's hoping...that in the future...near future preferably...i'll encounter a really strong positive experience that'll so move me to blog about it...that i'll break the record length of my blog entries so far...wish me luck!

i'm no doctor material

ever since i started considering medicine as a career...it has always been my dream to work under relief aids...or any humanitarian organizations...such as the united nations or red cross...

i love to travel...n working under these organizations will present me with that opportunity...to serve in war-torn countries...or disaster-strucked countries...

besides that...it also provides me with the constant adrenaline rush that i feed on...since i'll b putting my life on the line...wrestle with danger...n stare death in the eye...24/7 while on duty...

but upon watching the two movies...beyond borders (starring angelina jolie)...n out of the ashes (starring christine lahti)...n i finally realized...that doctors do get killed...especially in war-torn countries...

n that got me thinking...what if i had to choose between the life of my patient n that of my own?...would i sacrifice my own life to save my patient?...n if i were caught between a life-n-death situation...would i forsake the hippocratic oath in order to save my own skin?...

i could easily say now that i'll certainly place the lives n safety of my patients first before mine...but when it comes to the crunch...will i not end up as a mere hypocrite (knowing how much i dislike that)...will i not place a greater importance on my own survival in the end?...

but i can't also b to sure of that...i might change in the future...in medical school...my thoughts n actions...n i might lay down my life to save that of my patients...(no i'm not trying to b heroic)...but the thing is...i can't deny this possibility from happening...

so instead of deciding now...let's just say that i can't c into the future...n it's this aspect of the future that frightens me...(i'm only human anyway)...not knowing whether i'll make a good doctor...n serve humanity...

all i can do now...is hope n pray...that i'll never have to encounter such a decision that i must make...as christine would put it...a "choiceless choice"...but if God wills it to b...that i do encounter such a choice...then i pray that when that time comes...i'll b able to make the right decision...do the right thing...not only as a doctor...but also as one of mankind...n as a child of God

discrimination makes us human?!

looking back on some of my recent posts...i've come to realize that they were nothing but empty vessels making a lot of noise...superficial n insignificant...so for a change...here's some food for thought:

i'm a hypocrite...n that's saying something...since i don't like hypocrites...i don't like to b one...n i don't like to b called one...in my entry entitled 'same in being different'...i enthusiastically condemned any act of discrimination...

however...i came to realize that...discrimination defines our civilization...discrimination makes us human...shocking huh?...y do i say so?...or what brought me to make that conclusion?...

well...i was just thinking...what's the difference between a vegetarian n me?...our preference of food of course...hence i advocated...don't discriminate!...but then i thought...what's the difference between a cannibal n me?...surely food preference too...i mean hey!...just substitute chicken drumstick with human thigh right?...no discrimination there...

what?!...m i mad?!...human thigh?!...ugh!...no matter how i look at it...i can't help thinking that when i do encouter a cannibal on the streets...i'll quickly cross the road to the opposite side...n that's y i call myself a hypocrite...loathe though i may b to do so...

but which human in their right mind would allow cannibals to roam the streets of our towns n cities?...while children play in their front gardens...while couples take a stroll in the park...while the elderly enjoy their evening walk around the neighbourhood...

so doesn't discrimination is this case define us as a civilized human?...doesn't it put a line n say this is allowed n that isn't...but then again...wasn't homosexuality a big no-no back in those days...n if it is slowly gaining acceptance in today's modern society...could it happen to cannibalism?...

so how?...can anyone help me solve this enigma?...

i'll search for u...

this entry serves as a memorial...in honour of the courageous, selfless and dashing guy i met...in the best nightmare of my life so far...

they say tht when u dream a dream twice...it comes true...well...this nightmare in particular has been recurring very frequently...even if it doens't come true...i hope i'll dream it again...maybe then...i might b able to change the course of things... :

after having passed our navigation tests...my team mates n i were ordered to destroy n enemy's base...n ancient ruinous structure the size of the Great Pyramid of Giza...n the shape of n Aztec sacrificial temple...

we landed upon the roof...in the cover of darkness...n infiltrated the structure from the roof...to the topmost level...

after having disarmed the heavy artillery embedded in the walls...n taken on the stone guardians hidden in deep recesses of the walls...did i realize tht i had lost my team mates...where had they gone?...what had become of them?...yet...i had to stay true to my mission...my sense of loyalty would not allow me to even mourn for them...let alone seek n avenge them...

remembering my mission...i dislodged the wooden beams tht astonishingly supported the massive stone roof with my own bare hands...upon displacing the last beam...the roof rumbled n began to slowly collapse in on itself...onyl then did i finally realize my own peril n folly...

i searched for a way down to the lower levels below along the ledges of the surrounding walls...before i found it...n opening on to the ledge below it...

tht was when i met u...both of us in the same predicament...but u were s cool s can b...u told me to follow u...n we jumped onto the ledge below...

s we ran along the ledge...u told me tht there was no other way to the ledges below...the only way down was a sort of mechanical contraption...suspended in the center of the structure...u said tht it would lead us to the bottom...n i said...lead on...

we activated the machinery together at each level...bringing us a level down at a time...i thought tht we would reach the bottom in time...safe...but i was wrong...

after only dropping three levels...we fell into a steel cage...we could c the rough sea directly below us...a long way down...this was it...the final test...

we activated the contraption in unison...silently...not uttering a single sound or word to each other...we did it...n a trapdoor in the middle of the cage floor...dropped open into the black void ...to a sheer drop into the sea below...

u did the math...but kept silent...i looked into your eyes...n saw only death...u told me tht the drop might kill us...u weren't sure...but there was a possibility...the height was too great...

we hesitated...but when the structure graoned heavily...i decided to do something...i told u to hold on to my feet while i held on to the metal bars of the trapdoor...dangling above the surface of the sea...in order to reduce the distance of the fall by at least a body length for him...

the height made my head spin...i felt my strength drain away from my hands...before finally letting go of the metal bars...as we fell...i had a premonition...the horror...a scream...before...

i woke up to a gloomy n dark morning...

i do not know your name...or whence u came from...or how u ended up there...or y...but i'll definitely search for u again...in my nightmares...in the hopes tht we might meet again...n i'll finally change the way things turned out...to how it's supposed to b...